passion

i'm picking it up

So my day job has changed... for the worse. I got strong armed by my company into managing a new security account and its quite demanding and just takes all the steam out of me. I haven't made a single new piece of art since starting this new position and that bums me out a lot. 

I know that your "day job" is supposed to be #1 priority but I just can't, I've been trying to be okay with just being my day job since graduating college. I know you are supposed to make a career of your day job and work yourself up but something is literally wrong in my brain and I CANNOT. I don't have it in me, I can't kill off the want/need of having art being my profession.  At my day job my brain is just on a loop of "screw this, this is so stupid, this is ridiculous" and I can already hear some of you saying "oh well just go in with a positive attitude instead of being so negative" well guess what Sally, work sucks all the positive attitude out of me and just chews it up and spits in on the floor. 

I feel like I can't keep wasting positive energy on work, it needs to go toward my art. I have tried to work on art after getting home from work but after the day sucking the life-force out of me I am running on just fumes, and just fumes does not good art make. I need a holiday from work, a very long holiday, and I don't expect I shall return, in fact I mean not to.

I understand it is the world we live in but how is everyone just okay with having 5 soul crushing days and then 2 days recharging where you barely get to do anything else other than chores at home and recharge and finally start to feel like a person again and then its 8pm Sunday night and you are back to square 1. Its messed up. There's nothing I can do to change it which is the worst thing.

I feel like I am trying quite hard to make the transition into full-time artist but still feel years away if not impossible to reach. I know you are not supposed to talk about sales and how you are fairing but I've been doing what your supposed to do and that really hasn't helped me so why not just do what I want to do. Anyways, sales, this year I have sunk in quite a lot of money into booth fees and gallery fees to have my work out in the world to hopefully get some momentum going forward and have seen no return on investment yet. That is a really hard pill to swallow. You often hear people say "the best investment is in yourself" well I have invested a whole lot of time and money into getting my artwork out there and right now its looking like I invested poorly and it's, I'll be honest, heartbreaking.

It feels like the universe keeps screaming at me NO, and I still don't want to listen. Maybe I am looking for too quick of results? I don't know. I still can't shake the goal of doing art full-time. Making art still feels like my purpose, and any day job I've ever held feels like the opposite. I couldn't care less about any but most of all my current day job. It HAS to be just what I am doing for now to get by, it  will never be who I am, I can say that with the most certainty of anything I've ever said. Stupid America with its job focused identities.

Do I wish I could just make art and not have to sell it to be able to live OMG YES. But that's not the world we live in unfortunately. So I just gotta keep trying to learn how to market and sell I guess which are my LEAST favorite things and I hate that its part of an art career because its the least artistic thing I can think of. 

Ok super long blog just complaining about life hahahaha sorry!

Why website? Why now? Why no use complete sentences?

[caution: slight animosity ahead, it only lasts the first 2 paragraphs I promise]

You may be asking yourself what's the point of starting this blog/website now? 

Like so many of us, upon my arrival to college I was told to let the dream die of becoming a professional artist since its not a real job. [truer words cannot be said] I was talked into majoring in my University's experimental new major of "DIVAS" [Digital Imaging Animation & Sound] since it would combine my love of art with a degree that would lend to an "actual" career. 

It turns out real jobs suck. 

But what is adulthood if not discovering you made enormously expensive mistakes because you were forced to make gigantic life decisions at the age of 17 on the whim of suggestions from people paid into tricking you into a lifetime of debt. Dress it up anyway you like but that's what it is.

Bitterness aside, I realized I don't want a real job. I want to make quality stuff for quality people, and that's about as far as you can get from any "real job" I've had. To quote Leopold Bloom "There's a lot more to me than there is to me!" 

Art lives deep down in my core, and I bet it does for you too if you're crazy enough to be reading this. It's like the first time you see a mountain, and you feel it, you feel it almost in your spine, you feel just a primordial umph within you. You know that this [the mountain] is important and all that other fleeting stuff is blown out of the water by how incredible and simple it truly is. Yeah, so art is pretty much like that...  

Problem is now that I've seen a couple mountains and painted a couple paintings I'm hooked on that umph feeling. I want you to have that umph feeling, and I want to make it my life's work to capture that feeling in any way I can down on canvas and paper to share with people so that they can even for a brief time have their fleeting stuff blown away into the distance. 

I may be late to the game attempting to start my pilgrimage as an artist, but I know it's what I'm passionate about and I know it's what I'm good at.