full time work

i'm picking it up

So my day job has changed... for the worse. I got strong armed by my company into managing a new security account and its quite demanding and just takes all the steam out of me. I haven't made a single new piece of art since starting this new position and that bums me out a lot. 

I know that your "day job" is supposed to be #1 priority but I just can't, I've been trying to be okay with just being my day job since graduating college. I know you are supposed to make a career of your day job and work yourself up but something is literally wrong in my brain and I CANNOT. I don't have it in me, I can't kill off the want/need of having art being my profession.  At my day job my brain is just on a loop of "screw this, this is so stupid, this is ridiculous" and I can already hear some of you saying "oh well just go in with a positive attitude instead of being so negative" well guess what Sally, work sucks all the positive attitude out of me and just chews it up and spits in on the floor. 

I feel like I can't keep wasting positive energy on work, it needs to go toward my art. I have tried to work on art after getting home from work but after the day sucking the life-force out of me I am running on just fumes, and just fumes does not good art make. I need a holiday from work, a very long holiday, and I don't expect I shall return, in fact I mean not to.

I understand it is the world we live in but how is everyone just okay with having 5 soul crushing days and then 2 days recharging where you barely get to do anything else other than chores at home and recharge and finally start to feel like a person again and then its 8pm Sunday night and you are back to square 1. Its messed up. There's nothing I can do to change it which is the worst thing.

I feel like I am trying quite hard to make the transition into full-time artist but still feel years away if not impossible to reach. I know you are not supposed to talk about sales and how you are fairing but I've been doing what your supposed to do and that really hasn't helped me so why not just do what I want to do. Anyways, sales, this year I have sunk in quite a lot of money into booth fees and gallery fees to have my work out in the world to hopefully get some momentum going forward and have seen no return on investment yet. That is a really hard pill to swallow. You often hear people say "the best investment is in yourself" well I have invested a whole lot of time and money into getting my artwork out there and right now its looking like I invested poorly and it's, I'll be honest, heartbreaking.

It feels like the universe keeps screaming at me NO, and I still don't want to listen. Maybe I am looking for too quick of results? I don't know. I still can't shake the goal of doing art full-time. Making art still feels like my purpose, and any day job I've ever held feels like the opposite. I couldn't care less about any but most of all my current day job. It HAS to be just what I am doing for now to get by, it  will never be who I am, I can say that with the most certainty of anything I've ever said. Stupid America with its job focused identities.

Do I wish I could just make art and not have to sell it to be able to live OMG YES. But that's not the world we live in unfortunately. So I just gotta keep trying to learn how to market and sell I guess which are my LEAST favorite things and I hate that its part of an art career because its the least artistic thing I can think of. 

Ok super long blog just complaining about life hahahaha sorry!

against the wind

I finally had a legit full weekend of working on canvases. The canvases were fighting back however. 

It is becoming increasingly clear I need to work on making the switch from career to artist; not that you can really call my day job a career but still, it gots to go. I don't hate my day job its neutral to me, I have no feelings about it one way or another however it eats up all my time and sucks the energy out of me. So when I do go in to working on what is currently my weekend craft, I have nothing left in me because weekday job used it all up.

I think my current reachable goal is to be able to go down to part time / 3 days a week. I would like to be able to do that within 6 months if not sooner. However that would mean making $400 $500 a month from artwork sales, which I've never done. So we'll see. [that saying should be my family's crest]

I'm still working on my bear painting comission. I am hoping it leads to more work. I really enjoy comissions because I think I try harder when making something for someone specifically. I really enjoyed doing the mural I recently completed. It is going to sound obvious but working with that much color brought me joy. There is of course doing what you love the actual painting act which is rewarding but being around the color was what I really enjoyed. I liked playing with the colors and I miss being able to "go to work" and be immersed in color. The color gave me life almost.

So long story short I need to quit work and be able to do art, it will be simple right?

Here is the one painting I finished this weekend. I like it but yet I feel like it is missing something. I like playing with silhouettes and color, but I am not sure what I feel is missing. I wanted to capture a dusty old bison in rut running against the wind, the smell of hot summer in the grasslands where the rocks just radiate heat like an oven, and the breeze is even warm and dry against your face, where the badlands just feel so vast and empty. So yeah, that rambling, that's what I wanted to paint.